Daily Ramble: About my Journal

I’m starting to realize part of the appeal of journaling is having conversations I can’t have with anyone else. If I talked to someone as much as I wrote in in my google docs, I’d bore their fucking minds out, and I’d expose too many of my flaws and insecurities. It’s hard to ACTUALLY talk about yourself. It’s not like you say upon meeting “Oh, yes, I play piano, sing, write music, and I have irritable bowel syndrome and chew my toenails”. But the stuff I want to talk about isn’t even as interesting as explosive diarrhea or autocannibalism; it’s just “ah-ha” moments that I feel like documenting because perhaps I can mark a trend in my thinking, and watch myself grow in a way that truly documents far more honestly and consistently than a picture.

Also, secret confession, I journal because based on the reception my ideas have in company, I secretly think people will care what I was like when I was younger (since they’re going to care so0o0oo much about me when I’m older and much less attractive), and this will be the most sincere first-hand telling of it.

A girl can dream (and a girl I am).

I’m okay with this fantasy though, there are far worse. At least I want to be looked back upon and renowned for my intellect, rather than my apple-bottom booty and my “2010’s classic haircut”. It’s all apart of my idea of wanting to be impressive. I think everyone has this desire, there’s a certain safety in it, a certain validation, conferring confidence and the thumbs up for your decision making abilities. It’s no different than being the pond fish who dreams of the sea. I actually really like me right now, and I hope I still do later, and I hope someone does love me enough to wish to know who I was before I met them. I have people in my life that I would kill to have a journal from them when they were younger, like my mom. I wish so badly I could see her 23 year old self and gauge how what happened, happened.

Why So Single?

Learning a New Word

Because NOBODY tells you what things mean, you almost always have to play it off like you know already, then make a mental note to go look it up later. It wasn't too long ago when my lingo-look-up days were "alot" like this.

*CLICK TO ENLARGE*

So, this is pretty much how my love life goes:

Some girls kisses turn frogs into Men. Mine turn Men into Women...

Something to think about...

Is the soul gendered? I've been thinking about this, along with homosexuality. I don't care for your opinion on the last half, but on the first half, what do you think?
It's been an oddly mind occupying question that has kept me up only too many hours - and the worst is OBVIOUSLY there's no way to prove an argument, but its just something to think about.

Because... if we came here to get a form, then we probably didn't originally have a gender - the whole point of varying penises and vaginas is to allow the male to go out and add genetic diversity to the population to resist disease and other problems that come with a-sexual reproduction. But... there are some creatures who don't have any males in their population and reproduce (like lizards, and some sharks, ect). So do you take your gender with you to the other side; what would be the point of another gender? Is there spiritual disease that we need to mix genetics to avoid?! (sarcasm)

       So okay, say we do take our gender with us to the other side... what about hermaphrodites? They're both genders! Are they both genders on the other side? Even though we know that's a physical genetic mutation due to faulty genes or radiation - are they now doomed to be between? Are they homosexual if they pick a gender to be with, or do they have to be alone forever because it'd be morally wrong to pick the wrong gender to fall in love with by mistake? (because of COURSE homosexuality is a sin... of course...)
       If we get made "perfect" on the other side, so are we suggesting that they cannot exist on the other side - that a gender will be chosen for them?
      What about people who FEEL  like another gender? Like males who feel female, or females who feel male? Sure that areas a little more gray, and could possibly be a chemical imbalance, but what ISN'T chemical?  All emotions are chemical - happiness, depression - and if emotions and feelings and thoughts are all we carry over to the other side, wouldn't that dictate who and what we are?

I'm also starting to think you'll be what you think you'll be, and go where you think you'll go.
Indians will be reunited with loved one under the Peepal tree. Vikings arrive at a great feast. Christians arrive at a Pearly Gate. Self thought sinners who are scared and feel undeserving who think they're going to hell will go to "hell". 

Hindus are reincarnated.

Wiccan go to the Summerland where they're rebirthed. 

Your perception of reality follows you over.

            Like those people who died in extreme anger, and linger on the earth? They are where they think they are. Maybe that's really what dictates what happens to us; because I refuse to believe that Christians, after only 2000 years of belief, have it right. There were religions before Christianity, among all nations, each one different, and each with faith that compares to your own, if not more. They were willing to DIE for their religion. They felt the same passion, conviction, assurance, and security in their religions...
And for those who say "Why wouldn't God give us direction, a true religion?"
What you should be asking is why God would have that religion be exposed to less than 30% of the human race after 2000 years. What was the point of it even being here then. To bless the lives on that 30%? 
And its fact that the best tests that get the truest results are the ones where the subject doesn't know that they're being tested, or what they're being tested for...

In the front row

I sit in the front row of all my classes, and I have blond hair, so its pretty much peacocking, and the teachers notice. They notice, and they talk directly at me. Mean while, I'm just like: 

"... ... you don't say. That's fascinating..."

But i'm definitely zoning out. I've just gotten really good at throwing on an impressed, attentive face. But straight A's, here I come...

This is where I condone faking it... 

Always so hungry

At this point, we could pretty much blowout on the freeway, and I could donate my spare tire to get us rolling again. I think I've gained about 15 lbs in the last 6 months. Freshman 15? Maybe. But I'm a sophomore. 

I just love me some food.

I try to show some restraint. I'm only going into the kitchen for some water... maybe something healthy, like oatmeal.... but then temptation strikes...

And I usually give in... 

I'M not the one buying twinkies and cheezits though, so obviously this is all Rachael's fault.

 She's probably TRYING to get me fat.

Everybody's out to get me...